Thu, 15 Dec 2011 09:44:18 -0800WeeblyThu, 15 Dec 2011 09:08:35 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2011/12/the-conservatives-did-i-say-merry-christmas-sorry-i-meant-fuck-you.htmlAs the Fall session of parliament comes to a close, instead of "Merry Christmas", we get "you piece of shit!" from Justin Trudeau to Peter Kent. Trudeau felt he should apologize to Kent, but he's one of the few who felt it was necessary. Every single day we are reminded of the bullying arrogance of the Conservatives. Trudeau's assessment came after Peter Kent attacked NDP environment critic Megan Leslie for not attending the climate-change conference in South Africa last week, as if she had preferred to stay home and do donuts in a Parliament Hill parking lot in a Hummer instead. But the government refused to include any oppostion members in it's sponsored group, which has been customary in previous governments. I think that kind of tacit 'fuck you' deserves a hell of a lot more than the mere truthful statement made by Trudeau. Honestly, he should be commended for his restraint.

That bit of arrogance followed on the heels of the news that the Conservatives were unabashedly spreading lies about the imminent departure of Liberal Justice Critic, Irwin Cotler under the pretext of election research. Harper's response? It's free game covered by "free speech". Translation: Fuck you.

Do you find that offensive? Get used to it. 2015 is a long way off...

]]>Wed, 21 Sep 2011 14:07:18 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2011/09/on-crime-bills-and-kittens.htmlI'll hand it to the Tories. They're clever little fuckers when it comes to political manoeuvring, and I hope the other parties keep "political savvy" at the top of their list when picking a leader.

Case in point: The Conservatives new omnibus crime bill called The Safe Streets and Communities Act (aka the "if you love criminals so much why don't you marry them?" bill) makes it sound like the streets are a panoply of pandemonium, and order must be restored!

The bill is being eloquently attacked by the usual knowledgeable suspects: criminologists, police, judges, and lawyers from all sides. And statisticians. The numbers just don't support the amount of money being thrown at criminals, but Harper has a majority now, so who gives a shit. I mean, check out this quote from Justice Minister Rob Nicholson:

“We’re not governing on the basis of the latest statistics; we’re governing on the basis of what’s right to better protect victims and law-abiding Canadians.” Not governing on the basis of the latest statics. You mean the ones that show crime down everywhere, and at their lowest since 1973? Irrelevant. And now you know why the conservatives have such contempt for the census. Why spend money on something that will have no bearing whatsoever on policy when you can do the same thing with a 7 dollar Ouija board channelling the spirit of Ayn Rand? Talk about savings!

And yet, opposition MP's have to tip toe around it because everyone's afraid of being seen as soft on crime. God forbid that someone should point out that upping the rate of incarceration has failed miserably in the U.S. to the point that not even the Tea Party supports it. So, compared to the current Canadian government, the Tea Party is a voice of reason. How does that make you feel?

I hate that the only response Harper needs is, "What do you have against being tough on child molesters?" It's the political version of "So, have you stopped beating your wife?" It leaves opposition mp's in knots trying to figure out how to answer this question.

I suggest a private members bill: the omnibus "Rehabilitate Paralyzed Kittens, and Measures to Institute Social Programs to Address Concerns Regarding Factors of Mental Health and Poverty in Crime" bill, heretofore known as the Rehabilitate Paralyzed Kittens bill. Well, Stephen Harper, what do you have against paralyzed kittens​ From the waist down. Dragging themselves along. What kind of an ogre are you, sir?

Now, we just need an opposition leader that can sell it.

]]>Mon, 02 May 2011 23:57:22 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2011/05/my-howl-at-a-harper-majority.htmlIn a Harper induced Howl,
I wonder how'll I harp on this point:
Stephen Harper, I hate you.

And don't worry,
I'm not alone.
Braced for your arrogance,
you'll mistake a majority for permission
to dismantle my country.

To that I say, Fuck off,
you fear mongering fat head:
you'll soon forget, but we won't.
Sixty percent of the country said "NO" to you.

"NO" to the politics of fear,
"NO" to contempt; to callous combinations
of caustic calculations to dismantle
the country's character.

I hear it now: "Sour grapes."
I do not disagree:
Sour, bitter, biting grapes.
Grapes to choke on; grapes to spit
in your face.

To the sixty percent of the rest of us:
We waited for an opposition with spine,
like a population of Pozzo's,
waiting, waiting.
It did not come.
You are the opposition now.

When the contempt continues;
when more lies and cover ups continue,
Please, fuck the facebook group.
Seriously, just stay home and knit.

Better, get out in the street and howl. Howl.
But only if you love this country. ]]>Thu, 07 Apr 2011 15:18:56 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2011/04/are-you-now-or-have-you-ever-been-a-member-of-the-liberal-party.htmlIt only took three days, but Stephen Harper finally apologized to anyone who has been removed from a Conservative rally, because, although the practice only came to light with the removal of two students from an event at the University of London, apparently it's a regular occurrence. 

It seems to be yet another page from the Bush era playbook: only partisans need apply. I always thought candidates would want rally's to be open to everyone: then they get a chance to persuade people to vote for them. After all, what's the use of preaching to the converted?  In fact, the student at the centre of this issue, Awish Aslam, also attended an NDP rally because she wanted to hear from the leaders before making up her mind. What she did do is set an enviable example of what more of us should do during elections, but all it got her was a scarlett letter 'L'. If rallys are attended and minds aren't changed, one can only assume that there would be no harm done. It is, after all, a Canadian election. Stephen Harper's Ad people might be vicious attack dogs, but the general public is not. 

And it's hard to take the apology seriously: He was basically brow-beaten in to it by the media. Harper thought that a glib remark would sweep it away, but the question kept coming: What gives? It's just more conduct unbecoming a leader, but why should he care? The polls show that his lead isn't going anywhere, which suggests to me 'apathy' over 'acceptance.' Brian Mulroney first, and then the Liberals were reduced to rubble for much much less than the litany of contemptuous deeds by Stephen Harper. And all of a sudden Canadians don't care. 

That kinda sucks. ]]>Mon, 04 Apr 2011 12:23:17 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2011/04/on-harper-singing-with-maria-aragon.htmlHonestly, I don't know what was more offensive about Stephen Harper singing with Canada's newest youtube sensation, 10 year old Maria Aragon, she of Lady Gaga fame: riding on her skirt tails for naked political engineering, or singing John Lennon's "Imagine" a song that is the very antithesis of everything Harper believes in. I'm surprised that the  heavily lefty, peacenik lyrics didn't cause smoke to rise from his tongue, like Satan being doused with Holy Water: "Maybe I'm just a dreamer...Ah, it burns, it buuuurns!!"

In fact, the move seemed so wildly over-the-top, even for Harper, that it seemed closely akin to him Jumping the Shark: the beginning of the end of even trying to be creative. Considering that his lead in the polls continues, one can only take the move as a royal 'fuck you' to the electorate. I mean, I'll say this for the man: he has an impressive base which seems to staunchly refuse to vote any other way despite the betrayal and trampling of anything that could be construed as a "Canadian Value," that is, of course, all except for one: polite apathy. 

After every year that goes by, the litany of abuses mount: it has nothing to do with whether or not you agree with his policies - he seems to be getting a free pass on treating parliament, and by extension, Canadians, with a contempt that would be laughably cartoonish, if it weren't oh-so-real.

People watching from the outside can hardly believe what is acceptable to Canadians. Australia's national newspaper, The Australian, ran an article that read like someone shaking their head in utter disbelief: On Bev Oda lying to parliament: Lying to parliament, a cardinal sin of Westminster-style democracy, has become a political tactic. On Harper's appointee as Integrity Commissioner: The Integrity Commissioner was so inept that she failed to uphold a single one of more than 200 whistle-blowing complaints. On accountability: Having come into office on campaign promises of greater transparency and accountability, Harper has silenced civil servants and diplomats, cynically published guidelines on how to disrupt hostile parliamentary committees, and suppressed research that contradicts ideologically-driven policy, for example data that show crime rates to be falling. 

It goes on and on. But why should Harper care? He can fiddle (or play the piano) with a sweet ten year old girl, and he expects we'll overlook the fire that rages. But let me translate Harper's message again, in case you missed it: FUCK YOU. Care to respond at the polls? ]]>Thu, 03 Feb 2011 09:36:57 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2011/02/on-an-electoral-groundhog-day.html
It's hard to believe that Stephen Harper is dusting off the attack ads he first brought out a few years ago in preparation for an election. For all the talk that none of the parties want one right now, it's hard not to wonder why it feels like we're smack in the middle of one. 

With Stephen Harper doing the media rounds under the auspices of reaching five years in office (My god, why does it feel like soooo much longer than that!) and a new, but not fresh, round of ads of the 'Smear” variety; And Michael Ignatieff back on the bus in a minor reprise of his Summer tour, it feels very much like I'll be clamouring for a job with Elections Canada in the near future. 

But, my job prospects notwithstanding, I'm not sure I'm looking forward to the “Ground Hog Day” of an election. The outcome is going to be the same, and the ads telling me that Michael Ignatieff is an anti-Canadian American mole are growing tedious, tiresome and trite.

I mean, seriously, in one of the ads, some guy with the dulcet tones of the Grim Reaper, sombrely warns us that Ignatieff would consider adding back the two percent to the GST that Harper removed, even though most economists, who rarely agree on anything except, maybe, cardigans – agree that it's more beneficial to individuals to reduce income taxes. But why do something that's good for the people if it doesn't appeal to the Conservative's base? How's that for self-interest?

And the ads just keep on hammering away at Ignatieffs time living ouside Canada, and most seriously, in the US. I don't know if Harper knows this, but you know, the Americans can hear you when you accuse Ignatieff of having cooties for living there. I don't know, Maybe you should cool it. After all, they are our best customers, and you do wanna keep selling the oilsands, don't you? I mean, those tailing ponds ain't going to fill themselves...

It just seems to me that, if after two-plus years in office since the last election, your lead hand is that Ignatieff lived in the US once, and not any actual accomplishments – I mean, I can't blame you, I can't think of any either - then maybe all you're doing is helping the electorate come to their senses. You might find this hard to believe, but a coalition government would not be the apocalypse. I happen to know this because Gilles Duceppe can't ride a horse.

I just wonder how many more rounds of this we'll take before we finally move on to another movie. Cause personally, I'm finally getting bored of this Groundhog Day. ]]>Wed, 01 Dec 2010 23:14:15 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2010/12/wikileaks-little-mosque-is-just-the-tip-of-the-iceberg.htmlIt's no surprise that American government officials could be a humourless lot, but it never occurred to me that their humourlessness would lead them to believe that the plot lines of Little Mosque on the Prairie are actually insidious forays into anti-American propaganda.

This just may be one of the most damning pieces of information in the Wikileaks documents for this simple reason: The Americans are on to us. In fact, seen through the proper lens, it's clear that there has never been a Canadian television program that wasn't a veiled criticism of Americans in general and their foreign policy in particular. The Little Mosque on the Prairie objection comes from it's portrayal of an immigration officer in an unflattering light when the main characters try to get visas. He's like a cross between John Cleese's Basil Faulty and Mr. Bean. Read between the lines, and you'll see that Canadians feel that American wheat tariffs are protectionist and aggressive. It's all right there. You just have to look.

Hopefully, American investigators won't start reviewing our whole programming history as I can't imagine our diplomatic relations, let alone our conjugal ones (although I won't say who's visiting who), surviving that kind of scrutiny. Because it's not just our family programming that shoots pointed barbs – I mean the entirety of The Beachcombers is a scathing indictment of the electoral college system and Molly's Reach was just a reference to the “reach around” necessary to get the Americans' attention.

And Mr. Dressup? Basically a prescient criticism of the American Military's 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy. Finnigan, who only spoke by whispering in Casey's ear, symbolized all the silent voices waiting to be heard...

The Friendly Giant, when rearranging the furniture at the beginning of the show, was a metaphor for American's coming into your house and doing whatever they damn will please.

Now that Wikileaks has given us the 'heads up' on how close American's are to unravelling the entire CBC propaganda machine, it's time for 'Operation Riefenstahl' to begin. Let's get started burning all the evidence before the damage between our two countries becomes irreparable. 

]]>Mon, 25 Oct 2010 15:14:15 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2010/10/khadrs-plea-bargain-is-an-indictment-of-obama-and-harper.html
It isn't Stephen Harper's pig headed arrogance that upsets me the most in his handling of Omar Khadr, but the knowledge that way too many Canadians, who must also believe in Santa Claus, even though he repeatedly violates rules governing international air space, unquestionably buy the primary-school level logic that Khadr is guilty because some biased american 'authority' says so, even though law experts have lined up to condemn the entire Guantanamo process, and Canada's abdication of responsibility to look after it's citizens.

Never mind that the Canadian government is practically gleeful in its pride over how it treats someone who was only 15 at the time, in a grand 'fuck you' to the international conventions outlawing trials of child soldiers, to which Canada is a signatory.  This is the Harper Archipeligo, after all, and goddammit Democracy is whatever the hell he says it is. Lawyers know that evidence like the fact that it was an American grenade that killed Sgt. Speer, and not anything that Khadr possessed, is meaningless in this movie version of Alice in Wonderland as written by Khafka. 

And, if the comments on the media sites are anything to go by, I'm swimming in a sea of fear and ignorance. "That's what you get for killing someone" is a common theme, even though an actual unbiased trial would be a slam-dunk in Khadr's favour, in this universe, he has to plea-bargain in order to avoid life in prison in extra-terratorial space. Life in Guantanamo is the life of the un-dead, and to the untrained eye of conservative supporters, Khadr's life is neither here nor there.

Eight years he's plea-bargained for. Eight fucking years on top of the eight he's served. There's no "time served" in Alice in Kafka-land, so he'll serve 16, which, if you're Mullah Omar, is fitting as it delays his reunion with the 72 virgins, but for someone who is innocent, it's just tragic, and insulting to the rest of us who believe in a just Canada. We should have insisted on his return a long time ago. The Americans acually wanted, no, begged us to take him back. But Harper would have none of it. It wouldn't play to his base. Justice isn't worth pissing off the 35 percent of people who vote for him at election time. God, how I don't want to live in that world. 

The front-line of ministers, Lawrence Cannon-Foreign Affairs, Vic Toews-Public Safety,and  Peter McKay- defence, who is still acting out all this time after getting dumped by Belinda Stronach, have no interest other than towing the party line. Nuance need not apply.

I'll give ya this much. The rest of the Khadr family is pretty nasty. You'd think his mother would shut up already about how Americans should die. Omar Kadr is suffering for nothing more than the sins of his parents.

A pre-empitve note to the ignorant commentators to follow. No, you are.

]]>Wed, 29 Sep 2010 17:20:11 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2010/09/immigration-review-board-weeding-out-evil-family-men-everywhere.htmlCanada's Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) is not listed as an example in the dictionary under 'nuanced'. And maybe Canadians feel safer for having the IRB toss out people who make much better neighbours than the drunken louts who party till all hours on the weekend and puke up their Frosh Week activities in your flower bed. For example.

But Geez, you know, I wish they would take a slightly harder look, because it's becoming all too clear to me that Canada's refugee system really has no interest in adding upstanding citizens to the country who are precisely who we should promote. If Canada could send out a flyer to potential refugees with examples of who we desire, Jose Figueroa, living in Langley with his wife and three kids, would be the poster boy for the campaign.

By all accounts, a hard working, peaceful and committed family man with three children born in Canada during the 13-year process, Mr. Figueroa has been contributing to the famed Canadian mosaic while his case hobbled its way through the system. In May he was ordered to be deported. The order hinges on his membership in the student wing of the FMLN, a left-wing resistance group fighting against the brutal regime in El Salvador in the 1980's. The immigration board adjudicator, Otto Nupponen, took it upon himself to declare the FMLN a terrorist organization, even though no other government body, including the UN, has ever done so.

To read the 13-page transcript of the decision is to learn more about refugee board sausage-making than one would care to. In it, Member Nupponen, as he's referred to (not gonna go there) spends a lot of time going over the evidence that proves that Mr. Figueroa was a member of the FMLN, which he declared upon entry to Canada 13 years ago! 

But it wasn't until some intrepid keener at the Canada Border Services Agency, still sore, I imagine, for failing to receive his boy scout “stop the illegal alien” badge, flagged him as a security threat through his membership. Of a legitimate organization. That is now the government. “If the FMLN is a terrorist organization, then there are 7 million terrorists in El Salvador,” said Mr. Figueroa.

The adjudicator repeatedly acknowledges that the brutal death-squad regime in El Salvador at the time would not have been defeated without the strong action of this group. He points out, however, that government officials, particularly some mayors, (who, by some accounts, were supporters of the regime) were killed. In Afghanistan, it's called 'collateral damage,' and nobody misses their breakfast over it. Jose Figueroa, however, is being held personally responsible. The adjudicator cites a figure that states that 85 per cent of the violence was committed by government forces, and maybe 5 per cent by the FMLN.

But here's the really priceless part of the decision: After ordering the deportation, he says, in effect, you know, you really should talk to somebody, though, because you have a really strong case for being allowed to stay. Gee, thanks.

He acknowledges that Mr. Figueroa was only part of the student group advocating for “better political realities.” He goes on to point out: “What the people appear to have been trying to do was to stop a regime that ran death squads. There's some legitimacy, I would say, in trying to arrange matters so that death squads can be eliminated.” Monty Python couldn't have understated it better.

What seems to be going on here is that member Nupponen can say Hey, my only charge is to decide if Jose Figueroa was a member of a group that killed in a manner I deem as terrorist. As I said, there's no room for nuance at the IRB. To say the standard is low doesn't do it justice. A cockroach in a floppy balaclava couldn't limbo under that bar.

So now Mr. Figueroa's only recourse is to apply for an exemption directly from the Minister of Public Safety, Vic Toews. I can just see how it will go down. The Minister gets to say, “Heaven's no, I wouldn't dream of interfering in the independence of the IRB.” So the story ends with everybody gathered around the big basin of absolution washing their hands of responsibility. I wish they wouldn't scrub so hard. They end up washing away any decency as well.  ]]>Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:16:47 -0800http://www.thelaloblog.com/1/post/2010/02/olympic-matrix-reloaded.htmlWhen we go to the movies it helps to suspend our disbelief. Why let a few holes in the plot, or the fact that the plot is basically "Pocohontas in Space," ruin our enjoyment?

But you know what? What's good for the movies isn't necessarily good for real life. One of these days, and I look forward to it, we're going to think about the fact that the torch relay began as Nazi propoganda; that cosmetic fixes to social problems come back after the cameras and the Swedish groupies have gone home, and the only price that matters is the opportunity cost of fewer dollars for the arts, education and civic infrastructure. Sure, we have a new line to the airport, and I bet it plays well in the Peoria that's in the tourists hearts, but I can think of at least six NEW routes in the city we could have used, and more frequent service on the ones we do have. But hey, who gives a shit about the people who actually live here? Other transit service has been cut to for the sake of the Canada Line. We should have called it the PPTL - the Peter to Paul transfer line. That leaves a lot of people still getting in their cars in this green wannabe city. So, thanks for nothin', Olympics.

It seems every city endures a fiasco in order to host the halfpipe and men-only ski jumping, which is particularly galling in the snow-white games. It's incredible how the leaders of host cities have a dip in intelligence when hypnotized by the trademarked rings - they're so precious.  At a recent unveiling of paintings of the murdered women of the poverty-stricken downtown eastide, Mayor Gregor Robertson, in an obviously unprepared speech, spoke of how the fate of those women are part of Vancouver's cultural identity, as if violence and misogyny defines us. It's not an identity, you idiot, it's a point of extreme shame that needs to be addressed.

So when the Olympics come to town, I choose not to suspend my disbelief. I'll have fun where appropriate to do so, but I acknowledge the Olympics for what the are: A privileged party for the few. Watching the IOC twist around with their shorts in a knot is entertainment enough - and if I do have fun, I worry if it of the proper IOC appoved variety. Sometimes it's easy to forget that there are even sports involved.

For my part, I'm getting my hands on whatever freebies are going around. Might as well because when the disbelief is gone, believe me, you'll wish you were back in the Matrix.
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