On the Canonization of a Mr. Coffee® Cafe Barista Espresso Maker

It used to be a tall order to become Canonized, which is to be declared a Saint by the Catholic Church. You used to have to be dead for five years, which is the easy part - it used to be 50 - and then you need to have TWO miracles assigned to you, which is considerably harder given how difficult it is to have ANYTHING be declared a miracle with scientific advancements, let alone TWO things... But, hey, the Pope, like Cartman, can "Do what he wants." So Pope John Paul II waived the 'Dead for five years" rule because he wanted Mother Teresa's Canonization to come before he died, which unfortunately for him, didn't happen until 2016, 11 years after his death.

​By waiving that rule, one might wonder if the 'fix' was in... but, nah... he's the Pope, right? It reminds me of how pissed many of us in the BC actors' union were when the brass reduced the number of acting credits required for membership from six to three, because, believe me, getting three credits is tough enough, but six is the appropriate level of miraculous preferred by those of us already in... And, so, after a medical miracle was declared the result of Mother Teresa's intervention, she was duly Beatified. (By the way, that miracle was the spontaneous healing of a tumor by an illiterate tribal woman from Bengal. Local doctors treating her were like "Hello, we're providing treatment over here..."). Anyway, it's not like it was all that impressive when you compare it to St. Birgid's qualifying miracle of turning her bathwater into beer (which, word is, was more Bud Light than Kilkenny, so not really all that impressive), or St. Anthony of Padua who was miraculously a polyglot way before Google Translate.

Well, by those standards, I am putting forth a proposal to have my friend’s Mr. Coffee® Cafe Barista Espresso Maker declared a Saint, because, believe me, there have been numerous miracles since she purchased it a month ago, and I can think of no other explanation for them, as she is neither the “course in miracles" or Magic Crystals type. And miraculous things have occurred since it appeared on her kitchen counter, by far exceeding her simple expectation of saving money on Starbucks lattes. Herewith is an enumeration of two, which is the full requisite number for full Canonization…

1. My friend completed a writing contract for someone who promised the invoice payment would be immediate. But then 30 days went by, with a friendly reminder. Then 60 days went by with a another clenched-teeth type of friendly reminder. Then 90 days went by with her due consideration for either legal proceedings or a knee-capping. A final decision between those two were unnecessary because, exactly 24 hours after the Mr. Coffee® Cafe Barista Espresso Maker made its appearance, Lo and Behold (clouds parting and light shining) the full amount was paid in full! And then the litany of miracles began.
2. After precisely one day after having a cappuccino from the aforementioned MCCBEM, and express(oing) my devotion to it, I had my own miracle visited upon me. I work in the BC film industry as an Extra, or Background Artist, as I prefer. It’s a little known fact that most Christmas movies are not shot in the winter, or even the fall. No, they shoot them over the summer, mostly in Maple Ridge or Langley or Abbotsford, that average 30 degrees Celsius in July. And so there we’d be in a makeshift Christmas village in July in winter coats, toques, scarves and mittens. I’d say that I’d be sweatin’ my balls off, but I WISH I was cool enough to categorize the heat as merely that. It was so much worse. Of course, the flip side of that is the number of times we’d be outside on a rainy December day shooting a “Summer” scene, wearing tank tops and flip flops like we’re the Jimmy Buffet diaspora. SO, when I got a call from my agent to report to Langley in July to be, not Santa’s helper at an outdoor Christmas fair, but rather a spectator for a softball game, and the wardrobe notes were for shorts and t-shirt - well, I’m just not sure if you fully appreciate the kind of movie miracle that is - I mean, playing Summer for Summer! And I could only attribute it to the Mr. Coffee® Cafe Barista Espresso Maker.
   
   

And there were more. Not just parking spots, but CONVENIENT ones in the West End in high tourist season, or a border guard in a good mood while crossing into the US; the flight booked on points with less than a month's notice.

Okay, okay. I know what you're thinking. Those are no "St. Joseph of Cupertino levitating at will, or St. Benedict of Nursia walking on water to save his priest," but I suggest to you that those miracles might not pass today's scientific rigour. unlike my Summer for Summer miracle, which is a lock.

The paper work has been submitted to the Vatican and I expect an expedited decision soon, and then Lattes for all on the imminent Feast Day of the Blessed Mr. Coffee® Cafe Barista Espresso Maker.

Mr. Coffee® Cafe Barista Espresso Maker. Was $269.99, now $189.99 at Bed Bath and Beyond.

​You’re welcome.

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